how did you find me ?

  So, I spent the midday roasting myself a soft red, I'd later learn, but enjoying the sand, and walking in the waves, then went for lunch. Ate my weight in chicken and saved the scraps for later. I tried a milkshake but it felt queasy in my stomach, so, I tossed it. I guess I'm still as lactose intolerant as ever. I lucked out and beat the line to the bathroom, and wandered over to the aquarium.

  Aquariums are some of my favorite places. The sea is so interesting. It's amazing I never learned to swim sooner; why didn't I? The fear, the habit? But of course, I know, I hadn't yet understood much of anything, and so, what could I do but nothing at all? For all the pain it cost me, I am so glad I understand many more things now than ever. I'll never regret it. So, I went to the aquarium, and there were, in no particular order: sharks, an octopus, jellyfish, sea urchins, penguins, sea otters, and fish, so many fish, including a very big pufferfish, who enjoyed floating very slowly while everyone took photos of him. The sharks swam over my head in a tunnel, and I bought a blue bracelet with a turtle on it. Another memento of my promise to myself: can I make my way to California? I do believe so, if I am brave, brave enough to do many things I did not think I could do. And the very first part of my harebrained scheme, of course, is learning to drive in the fall.

  If I was a different person, I would have already learned to drive. If I was a different person, I would not have come here. If I were a different person, I would have not gotten kittens, and flown home. But you see, I am me, and so I came here, unlicensed, and adopted kittens, and so, what is there to do now but learn to drive so I may bring them across the border safely? The idea is ridiculous, as all my ideas are, but surely it can be done, and so, as the one truest thing about me, that I am incorrigeably curious and pigheaded, what is there to do but do it, and see what becomes of my life? Would it not be an achievement, to cross the border on my own? To pursue the studies I actually want? To get the visa which actually interests me? To cross the continent and see the sun set over the sea regularly, rather than rise over it, as it does on the Atlantic? What of Alaska, of Hawaii, the Rockies, the deserts, the snows, the mountains, the rivers, the rolling storms across the plains, the sun bright overhead, the stars flickering, the moon? How does anyone not love everything? It's beyond me, that people are busy decomposing every day, day by day, all 29,802 days, on average.

  I could never. I want to live.