how did you find me ?

  Slept in; purring sooty kittens on wake up. I will never adopt anything but black cats moving forward. They're so soft and friendly, and it's ridiculous superstition means so many of them are left to the streets. I'll take them all, please- or well, as many as I can properly care for. Lingered in the apartment for a little while. Had some anxiety about staying home alone to do chores; there's still an ache some days in terms of taking care of myself and the 'wideness' of a space. But, I've only improved with time, so, I'm not too worried yet- just remaining aware.

  Decided to go to the beach in Coney Island. Was it this time of year I last went to Rockaway? I'm not so sure. But, the weather was lovely, so, I wanted to go by the water, and so I packed up a few books and some water bottles and left. Took the train to Jay Tech and transfered, enjoyed the ride to Coney, the aboveground section of the ride flashing by. In many ways, it reminded me of Hamburg, the way the houses crowded over the edge of rails, like the path was an interruption carving through the city. In many ways, it is, and I love the way the wheels on steel clank, and I will miss the MTA when I am back in my native soil, though not the asbestos and steel-flecked air, nor the humidity.

  Amusingly, the steel bottle I got from the Met ended up leaking in my gym bag, and so a lake formed in there and my books got wet, and I only realized when it was half dripping down my leg. I'm sure I seemed like a kook on the train, but I've never much cared if I seem so. How can the judgment of society affect me, when so many societal judgments miss the core of anything real? In any case, I also felt period cramps starting, and the spare pads I carry were also soaked, so, I was a little anxious about taking care of that, and I was relieved to pop into the beachside bathroom and stuff toilet paper down there. I lucked out that nothing on the outside had stained. A downside, I guess, of not taking birth control, to not know when it'll come, but you'll catch me dead before I start on it again. The side affects are not worth it.

  Coney Island! The wind, the sun, the sand, the sea- it reminded me of home, it reminded me of vacation, it reminded me of being free! It was amazing. I'm definitely revisiting. I had my usual Sunday morning call with Mom. She seemed to have made some headway with my brother, and reprimanded me for my words. But, if my words are what lead to her movement, how can I regret that? I'll happily say the unspoken parts aloud, if it means they get processed and acted upon instead of shoved down into the depths of mental illness where the only solution, of course, is to never address anything at all, ever, and carry on as is. I could never, and I have shown myself this is true. I truly could not pretend.