how did you find me ?

  So, after the men were done with their BS, I just hung out with Jenn one-on-one. She's pretty nervous about her work situation given the release of AI writing. We commiserated over the current state of dating men and I did some napkin math to 'cheer' her up. If you consider basic statistics, nearly every man you meet is misogynistic, and of the ones on the market, at our age, half will have personality and spectrum disorders. The best thing you can do is dodge them all, when you consider we live longer and are safer on average when we are not involved with them.

  Spoke to her about my hesitation to call APS on my ex given what I'm pretty sure is his current state of mind. What should really have been done was calling CPS when he was a child. I love him, but with no affective empathy, manipulative tendencies, pathological lying, victim playing and blaming, and clear control issues, there's no doubt in my mind if I get within his radius again, what the shelter told me will come true: I'll be killed. It's still nauseating to think they said there's a 7/10 chance he kills me if I go back, based off their questions and my answers. I do think he is a narc with sociopath tendencies rather than an outright sociopath; this based off the clear nuclear-bomb level shame reaction I saw in action.

  I leave him to the hole he is digging; he is determined to dig it. At least, I beat the odds- I left on the third attempt, instead of the seventh. That I even left at all is a miracle. There is no justice, of course. To fixate on that is the trap, you see. The beauty is in the freedom, and the freedom is in leaving. So that being said, bless this world for giving me eyes and strength of will. I am doing what none of my family has done. I wish him all the best, as I always will, but I have the saddest, sinking belief, that he is fully stuck in his mind. Can he even be happy and free, in the truest sense of the words? Is he taking care? Is he changing? Is he even in there? I will never know. He doesn't care to know. I have to let it go, for my safety.

  So, Jenn invited me out and I hung out with Shresta, Luke, her and Jonah at a few places in Brooklyn, which was fun. Ordered pink drinks for myself, as usual, which pleases me to no end. Agreed to organize a few more activities, such as aquarium and afternoon dancing, then we left for our respective homes.

  Took care of the kitties, then lied down to rest a bit, and ended up sleeping the entire evening away. Felt really good. Slept the rest of the night as well. I assumed my muscles needed some recovery from the morning ride.