how did you find me ?

  Woke up early with the kittens purring by my head. They've a new routine now where they notice I wake up and come over to say good morning. It's the sweetest. Rushed out; weather was finally pleasant again. Took the train to 14th and swam for a little while at the Y. Chatted with an older lady; she was nice. Encouraged me to pursue my interests.

  Went to the usual cafe in Brooklyn. As expected, Jenn backed out of living in Harlem. It makes sense. Californians are very dysfunctional and very sheltered, in my experience. Generations of war has done a number on Americans. I wonder when she'll understand that the person holding her back is herself, and not the universe at large. Well, anyways, given I won't live in yuppie town, she'll have to find another roommate. I think she worries too much about others' reactions. It's unfortunate; she could have been a whole person, but she's left herself.

  Tagged along for lunch then to the Met with Shresta and Ashton. Salmon was very good. Learned about his friend living up in Alaska; very cool. Ashton took the time to ask us about our perspectives over lunch on what behaviors and traits lead us to avoiding certain men. It's good to see that. I hope he treats his fiancee as kindly, and that this wasn't a performance for good boy points with other women. Shresta was amazing as usual. Hope she continues to heal from her ex. She should take more space from him, and I'm happy to see she's doing that more and more. Let her be free someday.

  I outlined the obvious traits to Ashton: applying their reality over what you are directly communicating. Selective hearing, Weaponized incompetence. Always perceiving themselves as the victim. Low frustration tolerance. High self-involvement. Relying on self-esteem over self-respect. Poor decision-making. Poor self-awareness. Poor affective empathy. Poor responsability-taking. Poor capacity to compromise. Valuing other-competitiveness over self-improvement. Resorting to manipulation. I could go on. The truth is, these are just general toxic behaviors, but it's been my own eyes to see it so often, so abrasively, so egregiously, in men, towards women, that I don't trust a single one interested in me and never will again.

  The Sargent exhibition at the Met was very interesting; the most iconic piece on display was the Madame X portrait, but there were other pieces I found more personally captivating. I wonder what his friend, Vernon Lee/Violet Page, would have to say of the current state of affairs in terms of sex-based rights and presentations. In any case, it was impressive how much of a person he could capture in terms of the 'feel' of them. I noticed the mix of broad strokes and fine detailing on reflective surfaces such as water and metal, seemed to be some of the trick to it.